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Got a afire catechism for Prudie? He’ll be online actuality on Slate to babble with readers anniversary Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments actuality afore or during the alive discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the articulation mail of the accessible Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a bulletin at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may apprehend your catechism answered on a approaching adventure of the show. 

Dear Prudence,I was a bridezilla, and I’m apologetic about it. I laughed at those women who capital the “perfect bogie account wedding” that was all about them. And afresh I got affianced and became one of them. I spent hours poring over conjugal magazines, boring accompany to conjugal shops, and cogent them they were apprenticed or worse aback they disagreed with me over asinine things like the exact adumbration of ivory I bare for napkins. I told one of my bridesmaids to awning her tattoos. I told addition to lose weight. I collection my maid of account to tears with my connected demands and emails. I fabricated my fiancé bead his brother as best man aback I heard him acquaint my fiancé to end our accord because I was crazy.

I was crazy. I was wrong. But I don’t apperceive what to do. Aback I attending at the absolute pictures of our wedding, I aloof feel abashed of myself. Alone one of my bridesmaids will allege to me. My husband’s accord with his brother is artificial because of my behavior. And our alliance is not the greatest. I own it all. I did this abhorrent stuff. But how do I fix it?

—Bridezilla No Added

You’ve accustomed your wrongdoing, which is the aboriginal step; you acquire a admiration to accomplish things appropriate with the bodies you’ve harmed, which is all to the good. The aftermost affair you appetite to do is adumbrate and abstain the truth. You should instead aboveboard accede your accomplished behavior and how it’s aching the bodies you love. Start with your husband. Acquaint him that, as you anticipate aback at how you were arch up to the wedding, you’re acutely abashed and apologetic and that you appetite to accomplish things right. Be specific about what you did to him that you anticipate aching him and ask candidly if there’s annihilation you’ve larboard out. He’s already stood by you aback you were at your worst, so I anticipate this chat is acceptable to advice your alliance rather than abate it.

Do the aforementioned affair with the others, allotment and acknowledgment for your acts of unkindness, alert with an accessible and nondefensive apperception to their perspectives, and acknowledging that you will not be able to accomplish up for aggregate you did at already but would like to abide to try to accomplish things appropriate with your adapted approaching behavior. It’s accessible some of these bodies will not be absorbed in audition your apology. This will be painful, of course, but you charge acquire it; anybody has the appropriate not to acquire an apology, and you cannot force anyone to absolve you. What you can accomplish right, accomplish right; what you cannot fix, let serve as a admonition to you in the approaching to amusement others better, and with added respect, than you acquire previously.

* * *

Dear Prudence,My bedmate and I are accepting a babyish and afresh begin out it is a girl. This came as a shock to us, as we absolutely anticipation we were accepting a boy. My bedmate is devastated. We already acquire a girl, and my bedmate absitively that this is God backbreaking him. His ancestor anesthetized away, and he feels he will not “carry on the ancestors name” (though he has several macho cousins with his aftermost name). He said he “failed his father.” My bedmate is now blue about the house, not absorbed in my abundance or in announcement the gender on Facebook, article he was acutely aflame about before. I feel abandoned and upset. I acquire broached this with him, delicately, as I apprehend that gender disappointment is a absolute thing, but appear on! I anticipate he needs to get over it. He says I am actuality judgmental. I anticipate we are declared to be in this together, and now I can’t alike acknowledgment the baby. What am I declared to do?

—Gender Disappointment

There’s addition chat for “gender disappointment,” and that’s misogyny. I don’t appetite to animate a abundant woman to leave her accomplice lightly, but aggregate you’ve told me suggests that your bedmate doesn’t aloof ambition he had a son—which would be a altogether barefaced desire—but that he actively resents you and your approaching child, and he would adopt she didn’t abide rather than abide as a girl. You should accomplish it bright that he has a bound bulk of time in which to appearance up for the ancestors he has, not the ancestors he wants, or abroad he’ll acquire no ancestors at all.

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He calls you “judgmental” for actuality agitated that he considers your approaching adolescent a failure? How is he action to amusement your babe aback she arrives, if he’s alone accommodating to accede her actuality now as a punishment? This is it not accustomed “I ambition I had a son” behavior. Your bedmate isn’t Henry VIII. This is no time for airiness or compromise. The actuality that your bedmate has not apologized for his hysterical, histrionic, acutely atrocious behavior suggests to me that he thinks throwing a hissy fit is a reasonable acknowledgment to audition “It’s a girl!” Your daughters are bigger off with no ancestor than a ancestor who would amusement them like this.

* * *

Dear Prudence,I’m a 33-year-old woman, and my 41-year-old admirer has been in the action of affective out of his abode and into abundance for the accomplished three weeks (he has a bedfellow affective out of his abode at the end of the month). Things acquire not been action able-bodied lately, and I’m at a accident as to what to do. Aback he confused in, it has become credible that he drinks circadian and is not absorbed in stopping. I feel he has become added adverse against me for no credible reason. I’m apprehensive if this is aloof a asperous patch, or if I should acquire him move aback into his abode afore it’s too backward and his abode is busy out.

—Moving Out

This is not a asperous patch. This is who your admirer is. If this is how he acts while he’s affective in, acquiesce yourself to brainstorm how he’ll behave already he absolutely feels at home.

* * *

Dear Prudence,One of my abutting accompany has never admired any admirer I’ve had. Afresh she emailed me a articulation to a pornographic video of my admirer and addition babe with the account “Thought you should know” and a smiley face. I told her I already knew about it, that it was from afore we met, and that I was annoyed of her antisocial my boyfriends. Alone the aftermost allotment is true. I didn’t apperceive about the video, and aback my admirer and I talked (yelled, really) about it, I begin out it was filmed afterwards we met but afore we became exclusive. We bankrupt up. I haven’t heard from my acquaintance aback that email. I absence her, but I abhorrence her jealousy. She’s done actuality like this with every admirer I’ve had, aggravating to breach us up. But I abhorrence not accepting her in my life. If she tries to accomplish amends, should I let her aback into my life? Usually aback this affectionate of affair happens, she waits a anniversary or two and afresh emails or texts and we’re accompany again. But I don’t apperceive if she’ll anytime change. Is it account aggravating again, aback she was right, and he wasn’t absolutely a abundant guy?

—Two Breakups

What on apple makes you anticipate your acquaintance has any absorption in alteration her ways? Your acquaintance was appropriate this time, sure, in the aforementioned way that a apparatus gun will eventually hit the centermost of a target. She doesn’t get credibility for that, and she absolutely doesn’t get credibility for cogent you about your admirer in such a base and blithe fashion. Had she absolutely cared about your well-being, she would acquire taken you abreast in being to acquaint you the aching account and approved to breach your fall. If you absence her that much, by all agency absolve her, but buck in apperception that your acquaintance has a by-now absolute arrangement that she shows no assurance of stopping, and you’re acceptable signing up for added of the same.

* * *

Dear Prudence,Recently my babe canceled her altogether banquet afterwards explanation. We begin out afterwards it was because she institutionalized for abasement and baleful ideation, which she has aboveboard battled for the accomplished year. I assuredly talked to my daughter, and she said she was raped and asked that I not ask any questions about what happened. We discussed analysis and analysis options for her agony and absolute depression. Aback I told my partner, her aboriginal catechism was, “Did you ask her why she told anybody abroad and not you?” This started a huge action that I’m not abiding will end well, but I apperceive I’m not in the appropriate anatomy of apperception to anticipate rationally. Am I amiss in cerebration my accomplice was insensitive, or is my accomplice appropriate in that she’s attractive out for me: “Why were you the aftermost to apperceive … but the aboriginal to be asked to accomplish it better?”

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—Am I Affronted With the Amiss Person?

It’s cryptic whether your accomplice was implying your babe told you aftermost because you’ve ahead approved an disability to be accessible during adamantine times or because your accomplice wants you to booty umbrage, as if you should be jostling for aboriginal abode aback it comes to accepting bad news. If it’s the former, you should ask your accomplice (not your daughter) for an honest appraisal of your antecedent reactions to bad account from those abutting to you and your adeptness to be supportive. Acquire you panicked? Had meltdowns? Demanded others booty affliction of you? Withheld amore and abutment from those who bare it most? If that’s the case, afresh accede advancing analysis on your own so you can advance your acknowledgment in times of crisis.

If it’s the latter, afresh no, you should not be affronted with your babe for demography a little time to acquaint you about her hospitalization. Her primary assignment at the time was survival. She was not denial advice carefully in adjustment to abuse you or advance you away; she was in the hospital with a life-threatening condition. It is absolutely reasonable that your babe would not yet feel able to altercate the capacity of her rape, and it sounds like the chat the two of you had was admiring and helpful. Don’t let your accomplice acquaint suspicion and cachet all-overs into a bearings that calls for compassionate and patience.

* * *

Dear Prudence,I accumulate up with a adequately ample accumulation of bodies from college. I afresh apparent the abstruse online action of a affiliate of the group. He has become added bellicose over the years but lives abutting to addition of our academy friends, a woman who is affiliated and has a actual successful, ambitious career. I apparent that he has acquaint abounding advancing comments online about active afterwards her, claiming that he’s slept with her, and attempting to go through her husband’s buzz to attending for clandestine pictures she may acquire beatific him. None of his comments anon appropriate that he would try annihilation violent, but he’s acutely ambiguous and delusional.

I feel an obligation to acquaint her. But I’m additionally afraid about how she will handle this. If she sees some of the things he’s said, she’s absolutely acceptable to acquire a absolute agitation attack. She has a history of debilitating all-overs and has had to booty time off assignment to accord with it in the past. I don’t feel it’s my abode to behest what she can and can’t handle. I appetite to do appropriate by my friend, but I don’t appetite to account her disproportionate accent and anxiety. (She’s actual acceptable accompany with this creep’s wife.)

—Right to Apperceive

You’re appropriate that you acquire to acquaint her. You appetite to breach the account as acclaim as possible, acquainted as you are of her accepted accord with anxiety, but I anticipate this would be advancing for alike the best emotionally even-keeled blazon of person. I disagree, by the way, that your bygone friend-turned-stalker would not try annihilation violent. I anticipate if he’s accommodating to lie about accepting slept with her and broadcast the actuality that he’s approved to attending through her husband’s buzz to access nude photos afterwards her consent, he’s accommodating to do a abundant abounding things alfresco the bound of appropriateness and accepted sense. Acquaint her anon so that she can accomplish arrange to assure herself as bound as possible.

* * *

Dear Prudence,I acquire lived in the U.S. aback I was 10. I am a aborigine and accede myself as adventuresome an American patriot as the abutting girl. I additionally accord claret regularly. Every few months, there is a claret drive at my arrangement building. The arrangement arrangement online includes a precheck to see if you’re acceptable to donate, and one of the questions is: “Have you lived in Europe for added than bristles years?” My acknowledgment is “Yes,” so I am disqualified. I looked this up, and it has to do with the prevalence of mad cow ache there. Aback I’ve lived in America for two-thirds of my life, my catechism is: Should I lie on the precheck and accord claret anyway?

—Non-American Claret

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No, I do not animate you to lie to medical professionals in adjustment to accord blood. The catechism is not “Do you accede yourself an American based on your claimed experience?”; the catechism is “Have you lived in Europe for added than bristles years?” While some of the belief for claret donation acquire been apparent (the afresh aerial ban on men who acquire had sex with men from altruistic comes to mind), the acknowledgment is not to lie about one’s medical history but to beat for change based on complete accurate evidence. If you abide to acquisition yourself with a bellyful of borough responsibility, accede volunteering at a bounded hospital that does not acquire such a restriction.

* * *

Dear Prudence,I’ve consistently had a baby attitude with my accouchement that we accord a baby allowance to their agents at the end of the year—nothing fancy, and we consistently accord it at the end of the year so it won’t be looked on as a allurement (school policy). My daughter, who absolutely admired her abecedary this year, assuredly acclimatized on a baby statue. Today she got off the bus in tears. The abecedary had accustomed the allowance aback to her and told her it was unacceptable. I anticipation there had to be a misunderstanding, and I emailed the teacher. I got an email aback from the abecedary adage that she had “far too abundant clutter already and didn’t charge more.” She added that if we capital to accelerate her a allowance agenda she’d acquire that. (Gift certificates and banknote are banned according to the school’s policy.) I’m above horrified. Do you anticipate this is article I should amplify to the principal? Or should I let it go?

—Rude Abecedary

What your daughter’s abecedary did was rude, but I’m not abiding I’d put it in the “beyond horrifying” category. The actuality that she asked you for a allowance agenda (in writing!) is added worrisome. You’d be able-bodied aural your rights to allege to the arch and ask he or she analysis with the abecedary your school’s action on gift-giving, but I don’t anticipate you should force an acknowledgment out of her for crumbling the statue. She was abrupt but not cruel, and if your babe contrarily enjoyed her class, this could be a admired assignment in ambidextrous with casual acerbity from an contrarily affable person.

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