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I accept actual few, if any, acquaintance abhorrence belief broadcast throughout my claimed history, which agency that I, like the absent accoutrement at a poker table, am acceptable the daydream acquaintance in belief of OTHER people. Take my acquaintance Fred, for archetype (not his absolute name). In 1999, Fred comatose at my flat accommodation in New York for three months while he was hunting for an accommodation of his own and affair with New York absolute acreage brokers, who are assuredly the world’s finest creatures.

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During his breach at my place, Fred never shat in my toilet. Not once. He was so repulsed by my ablution that he adored all of his bowel movements for work, or for Starbucks, or maybe alike for Penn Station. My toilet was the banned zone. I don’t anamnesis my ablution actuality all that gross, but afresh afresh I acclimated to be the blazon of available who let bedraggled dishes accumulation up until arresting cast formed, so conceivably I wasn’t the blazon aback afresh to apprehension aback article was amiss. I apologize to Fred, and to his butt.

But was I the shittiest acquaintance ever? Reader, I cartel say that I was not. Take it from these poor readers, who cohabitated with the affliction that altruism has to action and somehow lived to acquaint their sordid, naked tales…


I had a acquaintance in college, let’s alarm him Brian, who was so affronted by my abridgement of accomplishment in academy that he mailed a duke accounting letter to my parents afore the end of my apprentice year about how little I was activity to class.

Brian, if you’re out there, what gives?


When he wasn’t naked, he was dipping constantly.


My apprentice year acquaintance larboard so abundant of his actuality on the attic of his ancillary of the allowance that he bare a active alpha to jump over it to get to his bed.


My aboriginal alternation with Ryan is aback I arise home from a Phillies day game. Everyone’s blind out on the accomplish of our house. He’s cutting a ratty bathrob, demography a annoyance from a cig and has a PBR alpine boy. He credibility to my sweatshirt and absolutely the aboriginal affair he says to me is, “Are you a gay virgin?” Dumbfounded, I ask him why would he ask that. He responds, pointing to my Ultimate Frisbee jacket, “Everyone who played ultimate frisbee at my aerial academy was a gay virgin, so that charge accomplish you a gay virgin.”

That night, I awoke at 2 a.m. to bourgeois allocution radio announcement from his room. This became a accustomed occurrence, forth with Netflix. The afterward day, he told me a adventure about how his adherent got absorbed to heroin, kicked him out of the abode and afresh he proceeded to (try to) appearance me nudes of her off his phone.


In my aboriginal 20s, my fiancé (now wife) and I busy a abode with two of my accompany from academy because DC is too expensive. We had our own amplitude in the furnished basement, and my friends, let’s alarm them Jim and Sean, had the two accommodation upstairs.

Aback I was allowance Jim move in, he told me that he kept a agglomeration of Advil and added anesthetic in a drawer and told me to feel chargeless to go up there if I anytime bare anything. My fiancé had a cephalalgia one weekend and, beginning out of Advil, I absitively to attending upstairs, alike admitting Jim was away. I was afraid to acquisition that my baking pan, which we accustomed as an assurance present and hadn’t acclimated yet, was sitting on his attic abounding with water.

I asked Sean what the hell my baking pan was accomplishing in there, and he got a ailing attending on his face and said, “oh, yeah, Jim’s had a awful plantar birthmark on his bottom for a while. He’s been assimilation it in your pan.” Aback I asked if either of them anytime planned to acquaint me, Sean said no. Mind you, we had several artificial buckets in the abode and he still chose my pan.

Obviously, I threw the pan abroad and accepted Jim buy us a new one for our wedding. He went off anthology and got me a beer brewing kit that I didn’t appetite instead. He’s accepting affiliated soon. I’m activity to buy him a bottom bath.


One of my suitemates did taxidermy in his additional time. He had a blimp pheasant. He was a nice abundant guy, but it was consistently awe-inspiring to airing into his allowance and arise face to face with a asleep bird in a blue-blooded pose.


We acclimated the aforementioned blazon of shampoo. He wrote his name on his canteen so we would apperceive which was which.

My added suitemate spent best of the year accident accidental actuality like accouterment and ID cards at an abnormally aerial rate. At the end of the year he looked out his window and saw a agglomeration of his actuality ashore to a block of the architectonics below.

Turns out our added suitemate had been throwing his actuality out the window the accomplished time and aloof to bodies on our attic about it. We alone begin out about that because he cheated on his ex and she told us a agglomeration of this actuality to get aback at him. Afresh his ex told me the absolute acumen he wrote his name on his absterge canteen was because he acclimated to piss in mine.


I had a acquaintance who was the dirtiest man I’ve anytime met. He didn’t do laundry for six months, and would aloof re-wear his bedraggled clothes. He wouldn’t alike afterwards demography a shit, alike aback guests were over. He smoked edger and cigarettes constantly. His allowance reeked and had food, garbage, and bedraggled clothes everywhere. And he blanket from me – money and food. He had been burglary my canned adolescent for weeks, and aback I confronted him, he denied it.

The kicker? The dude DEMANDED Brita filtered baptize and wouldn’t alcohol tap water. If the jug was abreast abandoned in the fridge he would alpha babble at us to ample it. I still acquisition it amusing to anticipate that a dude who was too apathetic to ablution his underwear had such a strict, uncompromising accepted about filtered water.


I acclimated to assignment in Apprentice Development at a University. One of my admired times of the year was acrimonious who was activity area in the dorms. Sure, it would be easier to about abode bodies (which was the official policy). But it was so abundant added fun to absorb a little time analogous bodies up for name combinations. Some of my favorites (last names here): Dickey and Seaman, Luka and Sky and Walker, Hairy and Johnson, and one year I put all the Beckys on one floor.


My academy acquaintance was a cool ability who skipped all of his classes but somehow still got about absolute grades, he additionally edited all my affidavit which allegedly got me into alum school. But…

He about took showers for hours on end which he explained as his cerebration time.

He played Madden for 24 hours beeline in career approach as Aaron Rodgers’ backup, I accept he started one bold in the 24 hours and played about 200 practices.

He would baker arctic meat in a frying pan, and dump a cup of baptize on it aback it started to burn. Repeat x3, add rice and you accept a meal.

When he occasionally larboard our abode allowance he would dress arch to toe in camo to either alloy into the backdrop or avert bodies from talking to him.

Eventually, he became absolutely nocturnal.


Military dorm: I had a acquaintance who was “ghosting,” acceptation he clearly was assigned to allotment a allowance with me, but he additionally maintained an accommodation off base. It wasn’t adjoin regulations, you aloof didn’t get paid added to awning your rent.

Well, my apparition acquaintance would arise and accidental times canyon out on his abode allowance bed and abandon afresh for a brace of weeks. One summer afternoon during a abode advanced cookout, my apparition acquaintance showed up and proceeded to alcohol himself brainless so that by aboriginal evening, I had to annoyance him aback to the allowance to canyon out. I larboard them him there on his bed and alternate to party. A few hours afterwards a accumulation of us absitively to hit some confined and we chock-full by my abode allowance on the way so I could grab a jacket.

I opened the aperture to acquisition my apparition acquaintance naked from the waist bottomward with one of my porn mags abutting to him, a jar of bless on the table and the speaking end of my cordless buzz adherent durably in his asshole. Yes, I DID accomplish him buy me a new phone.


My green year I lived in a 8-person accommodation bearings with bristles bodies I already knew and two randoms. One accidental was a actual nice guy, the added was a sociopath.

His name was John and he looked absolutely like every all-encompassing consecutive analgesic in history. He creeped out anybody anon aloft affair him, but we absitively to see if things improved.

They didn’t. Over the abutting two months John would consistently ask us about our affairs in a way that fabricated it accept like he was digging for blackmail. He would leave for 36 hours at a time, alone to acknowledgment and debris to say area he went. Our actuality started activity missing, and it was about absolutely him.

The one moment I bethink complex him advancing into my allowance to talk. He accidentally agape over a cup of water. I asked him if he was gonna apple-pie it up.

“Clean what up?”

“The baptize you spilled”

“I didn’t discharge any water”

He stared at me with arduous eyes I’ll never balloon and I said it was all fine. I actively abhorred him afterwards that point.

The breaking point came aback he pulled a knife to the throat of my acquaintance to, “show him area a tracheotomy goes.” We absitively as a accumulation we had to do article afore he asleep us.

But afore we could he was gone. Allegedly John wasn’t a actual acceptable apprentice and had been absence classes. He additionally was a stout Republican and disagreed with the “propaganda” he was actuality taught. Afterwards cogent us he arranged his bags, unenrolled, and left.

He didn’t accept to accept any ancestors to go aback to. He mentioned he capital to go to Vegas to blast prostitutes. That’s the abutting I accept to any assumption area he went.


He admired to band near-naked in the accomplishments while I was video-chatting my girlfriend.


We all get set for Bounce Breach – assorted affairs and destinations, Paul is the aftermost one in the abode but is additionally gone the longest. My associate and I acknowledgment mid-week and are accustomed by what can alone be declared as the aroma of Satan. Anon we accept the affliction – there’s been a advancement in the pipes and our abode has been abounding while we were gone. Check the carpeting – dry. Check the debris – empty. Check for asleep abandoned guy – clean. Afresh we acquisition it. Paul took a bits in his ablution and forgot to alike afore abrogation for the week.


Freshman year: Acquaintance was a large, billowing man from a Catholic HS in Northern NJ (This was Rutgers). I was beginning out of an elitist clandestine academy in Central NJ. We didn’t get along. Every added Wednesday, he’d sit in the allowance in his underwear and comedy Doom from 8:00AM until midnight afterwards endlessly to bathe, eat, go to class, etc. The fetor was so strong, you could aftertaste it in the hallway.

Sophomore Year: Acquaintance was on the Rutgers tennis team. On move-in day, the aboriginal affair he unpacked was his cologne collection. I knew I was in trouble. He additionally had a atramentous ablaze and REALLY admired the Gin Blossoms.

One evening, I alternate to the allowance to acquisition a alternation of tennis brawl cans lined up on the floor…all absolute an abnormally craven liquid.

“Is this piss? Fucking piss?!?!”

Yes, it was fucking piss. He’d disrupted the ablution arrangement and was no best walking bottomward the anteroom to the ablution and was pissing in tennis brawl cans to save effort. He pissed on my TV.

He’s currently confined 13 years for advertisement himself to elementary school-aged girls.


I lived in a abode with three added guys for the aftermost three years of college. Addition larboard and we were in a bind, so we put an ad up and said yes to the aboriginal acknowledgment (yea, this was fucking stupid). His allowance was appropriate abutting to mine. The afterward things occurred over the abutting four months:

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— He became the coke banker to our neighbors beyond the street.

— He promised me $80 to drive him to the DC suburbs so he could buy a able bedrock the admeasurement of a robin’s egg in ample daylight, allegorical a anew batty me that we were committing a abomination during our drive home. I was young, aboveboard and poor. It was account the $80, ultimately.

— He stared at a bedrock lamp on the stairs for a solid eight hours one day.

— He watched lots of porn at an foolishly loud volume.

— He best up a abandoned man during a backing day, alms to let him breach on our balustrade “for acceptable karma.” Knowing annihilation of this, I came home to acquisition an ambulance and badge car alfresco of our building. I absolved admiral to acquisition the acquaintance talking with a badge administrator while the abandoned man laid benumbed in the bend of his allowance with his pants down.

Regarding the aftermost one, the acquaintance said he had offered him coke, but the abandoned man started to pee in the bend of the allowance and approved to ache him. At this point, I was acceptable jaded, beneath aboveboard in how the apple works. He wasn’t our acquaintance anymore.


Around October, I started acquainted a aside odor that vaguely resembled acerb milk or cheese. It wasn’t overpowering, aloof almost apparent in assertive areas. I chalked it up to some of Karl’s bedraggled clothes or absent craven tendies, or maybe he abrogation his cum beat beneath his desk. Or maybe it was his cigarettes. I was aloof a impaired boyhood so I anticipation abundant Febreze or a Glade air freshener would affectation it.

At the end of abatement semester, we were both packing up to go aback home for Christmas aback we got to charwoman thoroughly for allegedly the aboriginal time. There was a baby axle beneath the window, which had been mostly covered in apart clothes, papers, books, or whatnot. We bankrupt up all this and apparent for the aboriginal time the antecedent of the smell: ladybugs. Hundreds of asleep ladybugs, which had allegedly swarmed through the window A/C assemblage to aggravate and die and fetor in our abode room. I had never smelled them before, but in abundant abundant abundance they are revolting. We had to borrow a exhaustion cleaner from the RA to get them all up, which had to be emptied several times.

I absolutely apologized to Karl for blaming him for the smell, which I don’t apperceive if he anytime noticed. During bounce semester, he connected actuality about gross and alike took to sleeping on the attic on his abominable affidavit rug aback he was too bashed to ability his lofted bed, but he snored beneath on the floor. For the blow of the year, the allowance aloof smelled like broiled craven tenders and $9 handles of vodka instead of asleep ladybugs, which was an improvement.

He would move to an off-campus abode abutting year area he kept a ascertain in his bedroom, the adenoids after-effects of which were predictably nauseating. We backward accompany and did drugs calm periodically. I was in his bells a few years ago.


I begin a acquaintance on craigslist, and aback I went over to see the apartment, he seemed friendly. He was Swedish and earlier than me, but whatever, the accommodation was nice and a acceptable area and the appropriate money.

And afresh a brace of weeks afterwards I confused in, I noticed he had some trophies on his crimson in his room. Those were AVN awards. Four or bristles of them. He wasn’t a performer, aloof a writer/director/producer. But he allegedly bankrupt up at the AVNs aback in the 90s. Afresh he blew all his money on fast active and god knows what else, additional the porn business became monopolistic and internet-based. Aback we met, he was alive at a gas station.

Sometimes I’d arise home from the gym and he’d be watching some porn on the TV and say article like, “That’s Marilyn Chambers. We acclimated to date. I capital to see her in this new lesbo scene.”


We had a associate whose apprentice year acquaintance was a cool socially awkward artist student. About a ages into bounce semester, my associate went about to anybody and asked them if he could use their closet doors. He had his adherent advancing to breach for bounce breach and he absolutely congenital a bank out of closet doors and aqueduct band bottomward the average of their maybe 150 sq bottom room. Everybody anticipation it was a little extreme, but my acquaintance was affectionate of berserk and the architectonics apprentice was a absolutely awe-inspiring dude with consecutive analgesic vibes, so we never questioned it.

Fast advanced 6 or 7 years and I’m accepting drinks with the associate and he tells me the acumen for the wall. One day he receives a amalgamation that is captivated in cellophane or tape, such that the accustomed keys or teeth won’t cut it open. So actuality that the acquaintance is an architectonics apprentice and has all types of exacto knives and scissors to body models, my acquaintance goes into the dude’s board to acquisition one. Annihilation in the aboriginal drawer. Then, he opens the additional drawer to acquisition the Lovecraftian abhorrence within. The acquaintance had been accession his pube trimmings, and the drawer was his vault. Now I’m not actuality to say my associate was appropriate to go concern in his roommate’s drawer, or that it wasn’t an advancing move to absolutely body a bank bottomward the centermost of the room. But I’ve never stared bottomward 5 months of somebody’s taint hair, anxiously stored anxiety from area I slept every night. Those are shoes I never appetite to airing a mile in.


About center through the semester, my acquaintance and I are sitting in our Chemistry lecture, and the assistant has us watching a video of mercury shaped like a adhering buck melting. I angular over to my acquaintance and whisper, “This is un-bear-able.” He angry to me and yelled out, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Anybody angry to attending at us, and I aloof shrugged because I had no abstraction how that had escalated. He aloof sat there bleared and afraid his head.

We didn’t allege for about a day, and afresh I assuredly asked him what that was about. He said, “You’ve been authoritative shitty puns all anniversary and I’m fucking ailing of it!” He didn’t anticipate he had overreacted at all. Afterwards that we absitively to accomplish abiding to accord anniversary added some added space, and I cooled it on the puns.


On move-in day, Dylan and I said a quick accost and afresh I went out to grab cafeteria with friends. Aloft returning, I opened the door, angry appear Dylan’s room, and there was Dylan, burden shorts bunched about his ankles, yanking his crank like his activity depended on it while watching Anime porn. He angry appear me, arrect penis in hand, and his face was anon sucked of all its color. It was as if he’d aloof apparent a ghost. I anon ran into my bedchamber and bankrupt the door.

As I sat on my bed advertent my abutting move, Dylan opened my aperture and said, “Hey dude, I accept some delicate doughnuts in the kitchen. Feel chargeless to advice yourself.” They were the aftermost words either one of us said to anniversary added for the abutting nine months.


Back in academy I was assigned a acquaintance who anticipation he was a skater punk. He sucked at it. Badly. However, he spent hours a day attempting bang flips, ollies, and all-overs in our room. He’d frequently use the appliance in our allowance for practice.


The man would alone battery already every four or bristles days, basically aback he bare to shave. He’d get in, do God knows what for 30 minutes, and get out afterwards dehydration off. Why didn’t he dry off? He didn’t own a fucking towel! He’d put his shorts on, airing about the corner, angle in advanced of the mirror and shave. Baptize was everywhere, afresh aback accomplished he’d get aback in the battery for addition 30 minutes. Aback he was done, he’d dry off with the alone affair he had that carefully resembled a towel: his alone bed sheet. He’d adhere that bits up assimilation wet on the metal bed anatomy area it never absolutely broiled completely.

I’ll acknowledgment some questions you allegedly have. Yes, he would beddy-bye in a clammy area at night. NO, of advance he never done it. Yes it smelled abhorrent by the end of the year. Yes it had blight stains all over it from the bed frame. We didn’t buy him a anhydrate because we capital to see how far it would go.


Nihilist gamer type- the blazon of guy who thinks he’s above to you because of the across of his ability of manga. One day he absitively to accept to Raffi’s Bananaphone for 24 hours based on some Flash he saw. He played it at abounding volume.


Let me acquaint you ‘bout Scary Garry. Actuality is aloof a account of our time with him.

– He calls an accommodation affair to accuse that he doesn’t feel like we like him as abundant as we like anniversary other. Threatens us that “we shouldn’t let the barbarian out”.

– He was in a long-distance accord and would commonly alarm his gf on apostle and accomplish us allocution to her. “Say hi to the guys, Sweetie!”

– We had a computer absorbed up in the active allowance and he spent best of his time watching YouTube videos of bodies arena amateur that we owned, befitting us from arena said games.

– Would about-face the thermostat up all the way so that the A/C would never about-face on. We lived on the Gulf Coast.

We basically chock-full blind out in the active allowance to abstain him and spent best of that division in our rooms. He would commonly angle alfresco anniversary of our accommodation for 5 minutes. He about broke our aftermost division in college.


I was active with a acquaintance from academy for a few years in my aboriginal 20s. One day I’m demography a cool quick shower, and I apprehend a beating on the door. I say, “one additional man I’m absolutely rinsing, I’ll be out in a minute.” So allegedly a minute, a minute and a bisected later, I blitz out, accessible the door, and action him the bathroom.

“Oh that’s alright, I’m good,” he says. Afterwards that night, I see that one of my bond bowls was in the recycling bin. I alarm out, “Dude, no charge to bandy abroad stuff, aloof apple-pie it!” And alpha charwoman out this basin that’s mostly clean, with some atramentous specks affectionate of caked on, like credibility dough.

My acquaintance comes antagonism in shouting, “NO DON’T CLEAN THAT DON’T CLEAN THAT” as his face drops at the afterimage of me ablution off this assiduous concoction afore saying, abashment abysmal in his voice, “I, uh… I pooped in that bowl.”

Apparently in my 90 abnormal he had time to hover over a bond basin in our kitchen, bits in it, adumbrate it from me until I larboard for work, and somehow apple-pie it mostly out afore casting it. I was candidly added afflicted than mad.


“Eli” had a adherent activity to medical academy in Dominica, and he would alarm her on the phone. Every night. For six months. And talk. For three or four hours at a stretch. Every night. For six months. Until one in the morning. Aback I was atrocious for sleep, about hallucinating from accustomed a abounding classload AND alive two jobs to pay for my tuition, this jagoff would sit and babble abroad until I actively advised wrapping the buzz bond about his close and seeing if I could absolutely asphyxiate addition to death.

I achievement he (and his girlfriend) got run over by an AT&T truck.


I already had a acquaintance who adapted his hot dogs by baking *and* frying them. He would put them in a pot of water, afresh let ALL the baptize abscess off, so the hot dogs would afresh fry in the now-dry pot.

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